When I was in middle and high school (hello, 1980s), curiosities about growing and changing bodies, sex, and how it all went together were just as common and healthy as they are today. What’s lightyears-different today is that kids and teens have way more options in satisfying those curiosities (hello, internet, social media, streaming platforms, smartphones, etc.). There’s an abundance of digital and more traditional (hello, books) information out there for kids and teens, some of which is medically-accurate, age-appropriate, and helpful, and most of which isn’t.
In 2023, Common Sense Media conducted research that found 73% teens ages 13-17 had viewed pornography online. Moreover, of the teens who reported seeing porn, 54% said that they saw it by age 13 (and 15% reported they saw it before they were 11). What this means is that if you’ve got a son who’s at least 13, he’s probably seen porn, which is why it’s important we start talking about porn with boys before they accidentally or intentionally see it.
While these stats are surprising (and distressing) for many parents and trusted adults, it’s important to remember that healthy conversations with trusted adults can steer kids and teens in a direction that addresses their curiosities and explores their sexuality in healthy ways.
Things You Can Do Before Your Son Sees Porn
Before your son is exposed to pornography, there are some concrete steps you can take to minimize exposure and prepare him for what he sees if he’s exposed. Some of these strategies will depend on your son’s age.
Limiting exposure: There are numerous ways, especially for younger boys, to reduce the likelihood that they’ll see porn. But remember that no method is completely foolproof, so conversations about possible exposure and setting up safeguards is a great combo. Some ways to limit exposure include:
Delay And Limit Tech Access And The Number Of Devices As Long As Possible:
Currently, we are seeing the cultural pendulum swing back from unsupervised, early/free-for-all access to tech to more reasonable, limited, supervised access. Whenever you decide to begin allowing your son access to devices, one easy-enough rule of thumb can and should be that your son not be on devices in non-public areas in your home (like the bathroom, bedroom).
You should also reconsider getting your upper-elementary and middle school son a smartphone (“dumb phones” that can only call and text make way more sense). If you get him a smart phone, don’t allow access to social media or unfiltered/unrestricted internet access.
The longer you wait to purchase that smartphone, the less chance your son will intentionally or accidentally access porn. Put differently, allowing your son access to his own smartphone increases the odds that he’ll be exposed, especially if filters or parental controls aren’t in place. Speaking of which…
Activate Browser Filters:
Whenever and however your son has access to the internet, it’s time to utilize effective filters, like Google SafeSearch, on all internet-connected devices. Be sure to check them every once in a while to make sure they’re working, since kids and teens have been known to turn filters off.
Use Parental Controls:
For Apple devices, use the Screen Time option to limit certain apps, websites, and games. This includes movies and TV shows that aren’t age appropriate for your son. For Android phones and tablets, you can set up parental controls on Google Play. Many parents report that using the Family Link app is helpful in setting filters for websites and apps.
Install Software:
Programs like Bark, Boomerang (for Android), Norton Family, Net Nanny have paid subscriptions that are well worth the piece of mind that it gives trusted adults knowing that they know what their kids are accessing. Most programs offer free trials for parents to test drive. Here’s a link to some good options.
Things You Can Say Before Your Son Sees Porn
Now that you’ve got appropriate safeguards in place, it’s time to talk to your son about pornography. And, since you already know that 15% of teens said that their first exposure to porn was before age 11, it’s important to have these conversations earlier and earlier. So for younger children, here are some tips:
Front-Load Information About Pornography Prior To Your Son’s Access:
This might feel awkward at first, but you want to equip him with knowledge prior to a possible exposure. Say something like, “Certain things on the internet are for adults only, and this includes some types of pictures and videos of people without clothing. This is called pornography. And, remember, it’s totally normal to be curious about growing and changing bodies, different parts of the body, and how babies get made. If you get curious about any of that, you can come to me and learn about it all by asking me curious questions, talking to me, and reading good books with me about it.”
You should also establish clear rules about pornography before (and after) they see it by saying something like, “Watching videos that show people without clothes on isn’t good for kids. It confuses them and gives them the wrong idea about what sex is all about. If you happen to see a video or pic of naked people, come and get me, and I will help you turn it off. I don’t want you to see things like that at your age, but it’s also not your fault if you happen to see something like that. You’re definitely not in trouble.”
Finally, given that nearly all devices are equipped with cameras, you should talk about the rules about taking pics and videos. You could say something like, “It’s not okay for you to take photos of your or others’ private parts. It’s actually the law. And no-one should ever ask you if they can take a photo or video of your private parts. If they do, please tell me, and I will handle it.”
Stay Calm, Positive, And Non-Judgmental:
This is advice usually reserved for after your son is exposed to porn but still applies here. If your son sees porn (especially if it’s intentional), you’ll probably feel surprised, panicked, and/or bummed. Don’t freak out. If he’s sought it out, remind him that being curious about bodies, sex, and relationships is all normal, and the best way to learn is to come to you with his questions, not going online and viewing porn. The shame-free approach is the best approach here.
Ask Questions:
To get a sense of where he found the pictures or videos online, you can ask in a reassuring tone, “I’m curious. How did you find those videos?” After that, you can check-in with him about how he felt when he saw the video and if he has any questions about what he saw. Stay focused on not shaming him for seeking out the pics or videos. Again, normalize his curiosity, ask some questions, re-state the family rules and boundaries about viewing pornography, and tighten up your strategies to improve online safety and limit exposure (see above).
For pre-teens and teens who have ongoing access to the internet and social media, take a look below for some useful strategies and approaches. What’s important to remember from the Common Sense Media research is that teens who’ve talked about porn with their parents or trusted adults report that doing so makes them feel better about sex and themselves. The key finding, however, is that less than half have ever talked to their parents about porn. So you’ve got a lot more influence than you might think when speaking to your sons about porn. You’ve just got to take the leap.
Be Open, Without Judgment:
Like talking with younger children (see above), stay open and judgment-free with your teen. If they sense that you’re coming down on them for even being curious about porn, they’ll quickly shut you out. As a proactive front-load, you can say something like,“There are certain important things missing from porn. Things like love, romance, connection, consent, respect, communication, and protection from STI’s/STDs and pregnancy. Healthy sexual activity should really involve all of these. Porn almost always doesn’t”.
Acknowledge Awkwardness:
Talking about porn can be tricky for people of all ages. By acknowledging this with your son, it can reduce the discomfort a bit. Say something like, “So I know we haven’t really talked about this before, and it can be uncomfortable to talk about it, but I really want to start having some conversations about pornography”. Don’t expect enthusiasm from him when you say this, but if he doesn’t sprint out of the room, consider it a win and then press on.
Realize The Convo Might Be Short And One-Sided:
Given that your son might not engage too much in this conversation, you may be the one who does more of the talking. Despite this, your son will still be listening to what you have to say. As usual, don’t lecture or drone on. Make your point and save other points for a later conversation.
Pick A Specific Point To Make, Make It, And Then Listen To What He Has To Say (If Anything):
The Common Sense Media study speaks to this excellently. Parental concerns usually have to do with their sons reenacting what they see in porn (much of which now includes violence like slapping and choking), thinking that these behaviors are real depictions of what sex is supposed to be like. If this is a concern of yours, you can say to your son, “Eventually, I want you to be safe and feel safe during sex. Unfortunately, porn gives people the wrong idea about how you treat your partner. Things like choking, hitting people, pulling hair without consent isn’t something you should consider and isn’t safe.”
Another parental concern is that their sons are getting most of their sex education from porn. If that’s the case, then say, “Porn is not really made to teach accurately about how and why to have sex. Learning about that can best come from medically-accurate websites, books, and trusted adults like your doctor and us. Learning about sex and relationships from porn is kinda like learning how to drive by only watching the Fast and Furious movies.”
Some parents feel that their teen shouldn’t be watching any porn but have a hard time communicating that clearly and respectfully. If that’s the case for you, you could consider saying something like, “We think that watching porn isn’t good for you. Just like we don’t want you drinking, vaping, or using weed, our expectations are that you don’t watch porn until you’re an adult.”
Remember To Stay Positive:
As the research shows, teens who’ve discussed porn with their trusted adults report that the conversations were productive and made them feel better about sex and themselves. And about half say that they understand that porn doesn’t accurately portray the way in which most people engage in sex and sexual activity in the real world.
What To Say and Do If (and When) They See Porn
Joanna Schroeder and Christopher Pepper’s excellent book, Talk to Your Boys, addresses this well: first stay calm and avoid judgment. Don’t make comments like, “Why were you watching that?”, “I can’t believe you’d do that!”, “You should be ashamed of yourself!”
Instead, stay curious and focus on what they may be curious about. Questions like, “Was there something you were trying to learn about?”, “Is there something I can help you understand?”, or “How do you feel about what you saw?”
As a rule of thumb, always normalize and validate your son’s curiosity about sex, sexuality, and growing and changing bodies. Then talk about porn and its flawed version of sex (see suggestions above). Set appropriate boundaries and expectations as best you can. Even if your son returns to watching porn, at least you’ve begun to equip him with information and understanding about what porn really is and how he can differentiate that from what healthy sex really is.
The BIG Takeaway:
Taking a proactive approach by pairing technological filters with honest, judgment-free dialogue is the best way to help your son navigate his sexuality in our tech-heavy world. Starting these talks early on allows us to stay ahead of the curve, helping boys process what they see if—and when—they encounter pornography online.