By now, you’ve probably heard about or seen Netflix’s powerful four-part series, Adolescence. The show is about a 13-year-old boy, Jaime, who is accused of killing a girl classmate and the influences that led him astray. To start off, Adolescence is high art at its best, from each episode being filmed as one, continuous shot (how in the world did they do that?) to the impactful acting and storytelling, the entire show is a gut punch. I highly recommend it for those parents and trusted adults who have sons, especially sons who are pre-teens or teens. But be warned: it is tough sailing.
Why? Because the show explores deeper questions that parents will likely have (and have probably already had before watching): Am I doing right by my boy in how I’m raising him? How much do my choices and behaviors as a parent really matter regarding how he’ll turn out in the short and long-term? How do I even know? How do I inoculate my son from any harmful, misogynistic influences and messages he gets from popular culture via all forms of media? And, if my son is influenced in possibly negative ways, will it turn out as bad as it did for Jaime? In short, will my son be okay?
The Road (To Hell) Is Paved With Good Intentions
One of the ideas Adolescence challenges parents to consider is the concept of blame. Jaime’s parents, by all accounts, are good, loving caregivers who’ve tried their best to raise good children (they also have a teenage daughter). Basically, Jaime’s parents are us: well-intentioned, hard-working, caring mothers and fathers doing the best we can to live good lives and model goodness and kindness for our kids. And yet, Jaime’s parents’ efforts are for naught. Despite their intentions and decent actions, they could not buffer their son from making such a tragic, calamitous decision.
Many of the parents I work with not only feel this pressure of direct responsibility as to how their kids turn out but also have a knack for second-guessing the decisions they’ve already made. This is a risky approach that can lead to guilt and even shame for parents. In the final episode, Jaime’s parents agonizingly lament this “woulda, shoulda, coulda” approach that cuts to the core. In essence, they’re asking, “Where did we go wrong?”…”What could we have done differently?” To some degree, they come to the painful conclusion that they did the best they could, but it just wasn’t enough.
One important message I want parents to know is that it’s too easy to blame or take credit for the ways in which our sons turn out. For the most part, if your intentions stay good and pure, and your execution is decent, most kids grow up to be just fine. Real time reflection on your intentions and behaviors as a parent is healthy, as is the fine tuning that comes with such reflection. If you’re like most parents who do this, you’ve likely set your son up to be stable, well-adjusted, and kind. However, we know that there are additional factors and influences beyond parental role models that impact how a young person develops, thinks, feels, and ultimately behaves.
The Boy Code 2.0 (and on steroids)
Ever since William Pollack wrote Real Boys (1998), we’ve had the concept of the “Boy Code” in our lives (we knew it existed all along, but Pollack gave it its name and put it to paper). For those late to the game, The Boy Code is a set of unwritten societal expectations about what it means to be a boy and a man, often enforced through peer pressure, parental expectations, and societal norms. It dictates that boys should be independent, strong, tough, and aggressive, and that they should avoid expressing vulnerability or emotions like sadness, fear, or hurt. The code also reinforces the idea that boys should not be “sissies” or have anything to do with things considered feminine.
The primary way in which this code is enforced is through humiliation and shame. When boys violate the Boy Code, they often face ridicule, shame, and humiliation from their peers, family members, and the larger society. Unsurprisingly, this can have a significant impact on boys’ mental and emotional health, hindering their ability to form healthy relationships and express authentic feelings and ultimately their true selves. It can also contribute to issues like depression, anxiety, and even suicidal ideation as boys struggle to cope with the pressure to conform.
Fast forward from the late 90’s and early 2000’s to the past decade, when you’ve got an explosion of cell phones in nearly every pre-teen/teen boy’s hand, the presence of social media platforms and their algorithms, and “influencers” on multiple media platforms expressing their updated version of The Boy Code, and you’ve got developing boys and young men mainlining these outdated and harmful messages about how men should think and act about themselves and girls and women directly into their veins…everyday. One can assume that these were some of the messages Jaime received as he scrolled through his phone or, as his mother mentions in episode 4, stayed up well past midnight on his computer in his bedroom many nights.
The Boy Code 2.0 is alive, well, and on steroids for many boys and young men. The good news for worrying parents who’ve watched Adolescence: the code’s influence isn’t likely to end up leading your sons down a path that ends in the way that it did for Jaime. The bad news: it’s now re-packaged in a way that keeps the traditional male stereotypes that has been shown to be harmful and also throws in an added element of anti-woman/feminine hostility.
What’s a parent to do?
How to Think About Adolescence In The Context of Helping Your Sons “Break The Boy Code”
The worry that most parents have about Adolescence is that Jaime’s parents did many things just fine and look what happened. First off, I would ask you to recognize that Jaime’s choice came down to lots of factors, some perhaps within his parents’ sphere of influence, but others well out of their control. What he did was horrific but very rare. Just because your son might be influenced by the Manosphere doesn’t mean he will inflict violence on others. So take breath after watching Adolescence and, remember, Jaime is an outlier.
Having said that, what are some things you can do as a concerned and caring caregiver that can help your son be a savvy (and skeptical) consumer of Boy Code/Manosphere messages?
STEP ONE: Educate yourself by reading current (Deep Secrets and Rebels With A Cause by Niobe Way) and classic (Real Boys by William Pollack) works. This will either begin your education and understanding of The Code or update it. Other books worth exploring include: Swagger by Lisa Bloom, The Mask of Masculinity by Lewis Howes, and the soon-to-be released Talk To Your Boys by Christopher Pepper and Joanna Schroeder.
Watch The Mask You Live In (Netflix) first with your partner and then your son (if he’s 16 or older) and discuss. Then watch Adolescence (if you haven’t already). Whether you watch it with your son depends on you. Some parents and trusted adults have found it helpful to watch together. Others have not.
You will also need to educate yourself and stay up on all of the current tech and ways in which kids and teens communicate with each other. In episode 2 of Adolescence, the lead detective of Jaime’s case has an interaction with his teenage son at his school as he investigates and interviews other students. The investigator’s son pulls him aside in an attempt to help as he notices that his father isn’t clued in to the various meanings of the emojis from Jaime’s Instagram post’s comments. During this interaction, his son says, “I didn’t want you to be blundering about,” to which his father replies, “I have been blundering about.” Do your best to stay current and not “blunder about”.
Learning more about The Boy Code and healthy masculinity will then enable you to……..
STEP TWO: Educate, inform, and empower your son by explaining The Boy Code and pointing out when it rears its head in daily life. Be careful not to judge some of the opinions he might share (from what he may be hearing or seeing in the Manosphere). It can be really tempting to jump down his throat when he parrots misogynistic tropes, but you’re better off calmly having a discussion, not an argument about rightness and wrongness.
Enlist the help of your son’s school to see if it includes lessons on developing healthy masculinity in its curriculum (by the way, it probably doesn’t). If it doesn’t, ask them to consider it. Talk with your son about how you’ve experienced The Code throughout your life, whether you’re a mother or a father. And make sure you point out evidence of The Code for your son when you see it.
STEP THREE: Help your son re-define “strength” by having him re-frame it. Strength in this context should be re-defined as being vulnerable, asking for help, talking about and showing feelings, showing physical and verbal affection for male friends and relatives, and saying you’re sorry or asking for forgiveness.
STEP FOUR: Help your son challenge and resist gender stereotypes by pointing out how harmful perpetuating them can be for boys and girls. Ask your son about how nature, nurture, and culture influence how boys and girls behave, and what he can do to take calculated risks in challenging and resisting gender stereotypes. If your son has elevated social capital (i.e., he’s a good athlete, good-looking, popular), then push him to think about role modeling this resistance for his peers.
STEP FIVE: Share and express your thoughts and feelings about a range of topics and issues that can serve as a healthy model for your son. This can be hard work if you are not used to expressing yourself often but give it a try. If you’re feeling nervous about a work project, tell your son. If you’re feeling sad about something, communicate that to him. If you’re already able to express yourself well enough in front of and to your son, then continue doing it. Remember, boys need permission and role modeling when it comes to healthy emotional expression, especially from the men in their lives.
STEP SIX: Teach him to be a savvy consumer of media and monitor exposure. Explain the purpose of media corporations and how they target certain groups. Limit exposure to screens from little to none during the school week and some during the weekends. This will vary from family to family, so you need to find what works for you and your son. Do not allow screens in his bedroom at night and enforce a screen curfew each night. Help him connect the dots between certain media messages and perpetuation of The Code.
Also, for boys who have Instagram and TikTok accounts, use this social media as a way to expose and educate them about healthy masculinity. One way to do this is to have them follow accounts that promote healthy masculinity, which will expose them to positive stories, messages, and ideas about what it means to be a guy. These posts will be good reminders about challenging The Code and gender stereotypes as they are inserted into his feed of music, sports, pop culture, and funny meme posts.
Here are a few places he can start:
- A Call To Men
- The Mask You Live In
- The Good Men Project
- Next Gen Men
- The ManKind Project
- Brothers
STEP SEVEN: Involve him in compassionate acts. Individuals who are involved in charitable acts learn that it feels good to help and care for others, which develops empathy, gratitude for what one has, compassion, and character. In addition to volunteering, your son can take part in caretaking by helping out with younger siblings, pets, and elderly relatives.
STEP EIGHT: Insist that your sons treat everyone (especially girls and themselves) with respect. Teach and remind him of the importance of:
- Standing for what is good and right.
- Being kind and patient with yourself. You’re not perfect and making mistakes is part of your growth. Remember that you’re a work in progress.
- Not making excuses, taking responsibility, and apologizing when you need to.
- Being the author of your life story and write the best story you can.
- Not surrounding yourself with people who bring you down but instead with those who build you up.
- Differences being a good thing, even the ones you might not yet or never will understand.
- Remembering that everyone is a person with feelings no matter how similar or different. Always be polite.
- Not pressuring anyone to do things they’re hesitant about or not ready for.
- Not gossiping or spreading rumors about people and protecting people’s reputations, whether they are friends, acquaintances, girlfriends, boyfriends, or strangers.
- Being more attractive and appealing as a human being by having morals about being kind and respectful.
- Impressing others by being genuinely respectful, kind, and caring.
- Talking about how you feel as a sign of strength, not weakness. Learning to express your feelings in healthy and comfortable ways that don’t harm others in the process is a goal guys should strive for, not resist.
In addition, call out sexism and misogyny when you see it but don’t be overly judgmental or harsh. Rather, just point it out. Try to “call in” (not call out) your son if you see or hear him being sexist or misogynistic by talking about it, not yelling at him.
Your Son’s Connection To The First and Second Family
Psychologist Ron Taffel talks about how the collective power of a pre-teen/teen’s peer group and the pop culture in which he or she lives (the “Second Family”) influence attitudes, emotions, and behaviors. The Second Family’s influence can threaten and succeed in overwhelming the influence of trusted adults at home, school, and the community (The First Family). Oftentimes, when a pre-teen or teen’s needs aren’t being met by The First Family, that individual is more likely to drift out to The Second Family in search of getting those emotional needs met.
Second Family influences (peers and pop culture) have always been around, and they aren’t inherently bad for your son. It just depends what those influences are and how entrenched they become. Most social influences can be a net positive for developing teens, while other influences aren’t. For Jaime, it becomes clearer and clearer that despite his parents’ attempts to stay connected, the Second Family influences became too damaging and large to offset the positive family ones. In extreme cases, this unfortunately can happen, and it scares us to death as parents.
So, just remember this: the more your kids and teens are getting their emotional needs met within the home, the less likely it is they will drift out to the Second Family to have those needs met. Facilitating these ongoing connections requires you to be patient with your son, understand his world without judgement and shame, and join him in that world.
A shame-free approach is key here. Jaime and his father speak about shame at different points during Adolescence. When Jaime is talking to the evaluating psychologist in episode 3, he speaks about the hurt and shame he felt when he couldn’t perform up to his father’s standards on the soccer field. In episode 4, Jaime’s father painfully laments the damage he may have done to Jaime in shaming him in such a manner. Your takeaway from this should be: pay very close attention to how you might accidentally (or intentionally) shaming your sons. Shame will likely drive them away from you and push them out into the Second Family.
A Final, Important Note
When the movie Kids came out in 1995, there was a massive reaction of fear and panic from parents of pre-teens and teens.
“Oh my God, is this what my kid might be up to?”,
“Please tell me these kids are outliers!”, and
“How do I prevent my kid from watching this?”
The reality was that, yes, these kids were outliers and that most kids and teens were not up to what the kids in the movie were. Everyone needed to take a collective breath and reflect on how they were parenting their kids and teens. And the truth was most parents with good intentions and decent execution had kids who developed into fine, young adults.
This is the case with Adolescence. It is an intense, painful look into how different influences (both First and Second Family ones) can impact different people. But, Jaime is an outlier too…just like those pre-teens and teens in Kids. Does the influence of The Manosphere on our boys scare us? Sure. Should we freak out the way those mid-90s parents did when they saw Kids? No. Take your collective deep breath, reflect, and stay connected to your sons in your own, well-intentioned way. It will likely make all the difference, and that’s all we can hope for as parents.